Procrastination Nation

Things that Robert is thinking about that keep him from accomplishing anything.

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Monday, May 05, 2003
Future Job Interviews
Mike Price's firing, the possible ouster of Larry Eustachy, and the Bennett revelations, I'm wondering what job interviews will look like in the future.
Coaching Candidate: I would very much like to coach your sports team. I have developed a track record of winning games and graduating students who play in my program.

Athletic Director: That's very impressive. I'm wondering though about your other qualifications.

CC: Well, I have a graduate degree in education. You don't have to worry about me falsifying my resume. Laughs.

AD: Not laughing. That's good to hear. However, I was thinking more about...personal matters.

CC: Yes, sir. I'm married. I've got two kids. They're all looking forward to moving here and the opportunities that being in the shadow of such a fine institution of higher learning provide. And, I'm looking forward to the tuition benefits for the one who's going to college next year. Laughs awkwardly.

AD: Not laughing. Hmm...So, you admit to having a wife and children?

CC: Uh, yes, sir. We are just one big, happy family. Karen was my high school sweetheart. And Josh and Jamie are just the most special kids a fella could have.

AD: And you fathered those children?

CC: Now, wait a minute. I don't know what you're...

AD: We have to be thorough in this process. And we don't want to be surprised.

CC: Umm...o.k. No, they're definitely my kids. Jamie got my go-get-'em personality, but Josh, darn his luck, ended up with my looks. Chuckles nervously.

AD: Well, I appreciate your honesty. Your on the field qualifications are outstanding...

CC: Thank you, sir.

AD: ...but, I'm afraid we're going to have look in another direction.

CC: Because I'm married?

AD: Well, that's part of it. You see, by admitting that you fathered these children, you've admitted that you have had sexual relations with a woman.

CC: You mean, if I were gay, I'd get the job?

AD: Oh, Hell no! What I mean is: We're trying to weed out anybody who has any sexual feelings at all. You see, if you're interested in having sex with a woman, what's to say you wouldn't be interested in having sex with other women. And, if you have sex with other women, well, that's obviously a violation of our morals clause. You follow me? The university has to preserve its reputation. We cannot hire a man, or woman for that matter, who would admit to participating in something as evil as sex.

CC: Well, what if I got a divorce?

AD: I'm afraid that's not good enough. For all I know you probably look at women as they pass you on the street or in the office. How am I to know whether you're thinking of having sex with her? I can't be sure at all. But as the person in charge of ensuring compliance with our contracts, it's my ass if you are. So, it's just better that I hire someone who has never seen a woman.

CC: But, who on earth could that be?

AD: Fortunately, we are a research university, and we've been preparing for this day for some time. The psychology department has been raising a test-tube baby donated by the medical school over 20 years ago. We thought about taking a baby from the hospital, but since it had seen a vagina all up-close-and-personal-like, we thought this might give him a, um, appetite, if you will, for the ladies. That's why we started admitting male nurses to the school. We needed men who could help feed and raise the child. They've been raising Hubert in an underground bunker left over from the '50s. He's kind of like the Boy in the Bubble, except that we control what reading material he receives and all sights and sound that are beamed into his home. In that time, we've shown him all the properly edited video he'd need to become an outstanding coach.

CC: Well, that's great, I guess. Pause. I suppose I'll be going now.

AD: Thank you so much for interviewing. I'm sorry things had to work out this way.

CC: Me, too. But, can you answer me one question? Why did you even bother to interview me at all if you already had a candidate?

AD: We can do a lot of things, but we can't get around the EEOC...yet. Take care.

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