Pres OKs Middle Class Welfare Bill

WASHINGTON -- Republicans declared victory today after passing a $350 billion package of tax cuts and tax credits to taxpayers with children. Before going to the president's desk, the bill required a tie-breaking vote by Vice President Dick Cheney in the Senate. President Bush signed the bill into law [today].

"This is a great day for our nation, for our economy, and for our families," said a jubilant President Bush. "This puts money in the hands of the people who deserve it."

In additon to lowering the tax on dividends to 15% and accelerating previous reductions in income taxes from the 2001 tax package, the new legislation raised the deductible for dependent children from $600 to $1000. The irony of the policy of decreasing taxes based on the number of one's offspring, and thereby increasing individuals' net income, was apparently lost on the Republican majority.

For decades, Republican lawmakers and presidents had derided government for issuing welfare checks for each additional child. They argued that this created an economic incentive to have more children, further burdening the nation with providing financial support for these children. The tax credits passed into law yesterday create the same incentives, but for more families.

As a result, economic demographers predict as much as a 20% increase in the birth rate over the next seven years, reversing several years of decline. In addition, the law's changes "could have substantial effects on labor supply as people choose to substitute fucking for working," said labor economist David Card of Princeton University.

Conservatives contend that this will be a positive for the nation. "Welfare payments went predominantly to black families, who would spend the money on crack or a new weave. These tax credits go to white families who will use it for wholesome purposes, like filling the gas tanks in their SUVs or buying a high definition television. You know, things that stimulate the economy," said Republican activist Pat Robertson.

Randall S. Kroszner, a member of the president's Council of Economic Advisers, touted one of the spillover benefits: "This will create a new wave of employees to pay social security taxes to help finance the medical care and retirement of our nation's Baby Boomers."

Asked who would then finance care for this new boomlet when it retires circa 2075, Kroszner mubmled something under his breath and left for Circuit City to buy a Tivo digital video recorder.