Procrastination Nation

Things that Robert is thinking about that keep him from accomplishing anything.

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Sunday, June 01, 2003
Buenos dias! In the aftermath of grant application season, I've been in job-hunting mode. [If you know of anyone looking for a SAS programmer in the Chicago/NYC/LA areas, feel free to email me.] In this world, three types of books seem guaranteed to sell:
  1. Self-help
  2. Diet/exercise/nutrition
  3. Resume

Sadly, my resume looks very much like the "Before" page of the comparisons. Apparently, logic no longer matters. Perhaps I need to buff up my Photoshop/Flash skills and send a full-page advertisement or multimedia presentation to be interesting.

What is so funny looking at resume books is that every example is successful. Every cloudy resume has its silver lining. "In my old resume, I didn't mention that I had increased sales by 3000%, generating over $100 MILLION for the company. Redesigning my resume to emphasize this achievement really seemed to help."

We need a resume book that features the skills of the rest of America. The kind of people who work in jobs--like administrative or fastfood or academia--that have no measurable or valuable results. For example:

  • Communication skills? "Communicates deftly through passive-aggressive and aggressive-aggresive methods."
  • Teamwork? "Refill the coffee pot, toner cartridge, and copier paper when I've used the last of it."
  • Achievement? "Overcame job's crippling assault on my spirit and self-identity to collect my paycheck."

O.k., I'm procrastinating. I need to sparkle-up my resume. Ciao!

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