Procrastination Nation

Things that Robert is thinking about that keep him from accomplishing anything.

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Thursday, July 31, 2003
It looks like we won't have a July Slant after all. So, I'm sharing info from my gossip column that will probably be even unfunnier come late August. Enjoy:
  • More May-September Magic? Colin Ferrell Sighting: Move over Demi and Ashton. Adios Cameron Diaz and JT. There's a new hot, inter-generational romance in Hollywood! Our spies at the Viper Room tell us they saw Colin Ferrell, who stars in the upcoming S.W.A.T., engaged in some heavy petting (and possibly more?!?!) with Golden Girl Betty White. White's publicist wasn't talking, but the Irish cad sure was: "You haven't lived until you've had your cock gummed."

  • Costner Wedding Bells: Actor Kevin Costner, 48, got engaged to his girlfriend of four years, Christine Baumgartner, 29. The eventual divorce, slated for 2005, will be the latest in a string of financial disasters for the actor, including Waterworld, The Postman, and his first marriage.

  • Jolie 'Horsing Around' as Catherine?: Angelina Jolie is a leading candidate to play Catherine the Great in a biography of the Russian czarina. "I'm looking forward to the opportunity to play a strong and powerful yet feminine woman," said the 28 year old Oscar-winning actress, known for her action hero character, Lara Croft. Randall Wallace (Braveheart, Pearl Harbor), who wrote the Catherine screenplay and is attached direct, said, "When the folks at Disney told me they needed somebody with name recognition who was willing to fuck a horse, I said, 'Get me Angelina Jolie!'"

  • Dom DeLuise Shocks Docs by Living: The nation's leading medical experts are astounded that Dom DeLuise is still alive. The doctors' incredulity is documented in an Institute of Medicine report released last week. "We are shocked that a man could so flagrantly flout nutritional guidelines and gastronomic standards and still manage to breathe under his own power, much less walk upright and host cooking shows," concludes the report. You can check out the latest on the actor-turned-gourmand at his website:

  • Milk Man: Playboy's August pro football preview issue features an interview with sports reporter Melissa Stark's unborn child. Nestled in the pelvic girdle of the newest member of the NBCSports team, the as yet unnamed fetus commented that he's looking forward to joining the outside world, especially since it means he will be sucking on Melissa Stark's nipples several hours a day. Said the fetus, "I'm not even born yet, and I'm already the most envied human being on the planet."

  • Daly Roasters Edit Jokes for Leary Roast: Days after roasting MTV VJ and NBC late night host Carson Daly, the celebrity roasters are rushing to edit their jokes for August's roast of comedian Dennis Leary. Said roast master Jeffrey Ross, "It's all the same jokes about how gay the guest is and how we're always fucking each other in the ass. I just need to change the names on my notecards."

  • JT: Britney a Natural...Nympho: People jealous of Britney Spears often make catty comments about her supposed phoniness: from her pre-fab music and foul mouth, to her blonde hair and enhanced bosom. However, ex-beau Justin Timberlake revealed in a Spin interview that there is something natural about the former Mousketeer: her ability to fuck. "I thought since it was her first time it might be awkward," said the most famous 20% of the band NSync. "But she knew what to do from the get-go. It was uncanny how skilled she could move her body and control her muscles, you know, down there."

  • Kobe Bryant: Marital Free Agent: Los Angeles Lakers guard Kobe Bryant surprised many, including his wife, with his intention to become a free agent. The announcement came shortly before spending the weekend in Vail, Col., where he explored alternative outlets for his services. Bryant's wife insists she wants him to remain part of her team, but will seek compensation if he departs via free agency.

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