U.S.S. Reagan Commissioned, Immediately Lost At Sea

NORFOLK, Va--The newly commissioned U.S.S. Reagan aircraft carrier has been reported lost at sea somewhere in the Atlantic Ocean. Members of the Coast Guard attempted radio contact, but when asked for its position, the ship responded, "Well, I don't recall. It was a long time ago. I'm sorry."

The ship's captain attempted corrective action, but his efforts have proven unsuccessful. In the ship's last communication, Capt. John W. Goodwin lamented, "The damn ship only steers to the right, taking us farther away from America."

Anyone with knowledge of the whereabouts of this ship are asked to contact the United States Department of Defense. Information leading to its recovery may be eligible for a reward.