Things that Robert is thinking about that keep him from accomplishing anything.

 
Salvage
It looks like we won't have a July Slant after all. So, I'm sharing info from my gossip column that will probably be even unfunnier come late August. Enjoy:

• More May-September Magic? Colin Ferrell Sighting: Move over Demi and Ashton. Adios Cameron Diaz and JT. There's a new hot, inter-generational romance in Hollywood! Our spies at the Viper Room tell us they saw Colin Ferrell, who stars in the upcoming S.W.A.T., engaged in some heavy petting (and possibly more?!?!) with Golden Girl Betty White. White's publicist wasn't talking, but the Irish cad sure was: "You haven't lived until you've had your cock gummed."
  
  
• Costner Wedding Bells: Actor Kevin Costner, 48, got engaged to his girlfriend of four years, Christine Baumgartner, 29. The eventual divorce, slated for 2005, will be the latest in a string of financial disasters for the actor, including Waterworld, The Postman, and his first marriage.
  
  
• Jolie 'Horsing Around' as Catherine?: Angelina Jolie is a leading candidate to play Catherine the Great in a biography of the Russian czarina. "I'm looking forward to the opportunity to play a strong and powerful yet feminine woman," said the 28 year old Oscar-winning actress, known for her action hero character, Lara Croft. Randall Wallace (Braveheart, Pearl Harbor), who wrote the Catherine screenplay and is attached direct, said, "When the folks at Disney told me they needed somebody with name recognition who was willing to fuck a horse, I said, 'Get me Angelina Jolie!'"
  
  
• Dom DeLuise Shocks Docs by Living: The nation's leading medical experts are astounded that Dom DeLuise is still alive. The doctors' incredulity is documented in an Institute of Medicine report released last week. "We are shocked that a man could so flagrantly flout nutritional guidelines and gastronomic standards and still manage to breathe under his own power, much less walk upright and host cooking shows," concludes the report. You can check out the latest on the actor-turned-gourmand at his website: www.domdeluise.com.
  
  
• Milk Man: Playboy's August pro football preview issue features an interview with sports reporter Melissa Stark's unborn child. Nestled in the pelvic girdle of the newest member of the NBCSports team, the as yet unnamed fetus commented that he's looking forward to joining the outside world, especially since it means he will be sucking on Melissa Stark's nipples several hours a day. Said the fetus, "I'm not even born yet, and I'm already the most envied human being on the planet."
  
  
• Daly Roasters Edit Jokes for Leary Roast: Days after roasting MTV VJ and NBC late night host Carson Daly, the celebrity roasters are rushing to edit their jokes for August's roast of comedian Dennis Leary. Said roast master Jeffrey Ross, "It's all the same jokes about how gay the guest is and how we're always fucking each other in the ass. I just need to change the names on my notecards."
  
  
• JT: Britney a Natural...Nympho: People jealous of Britney Spears often make catty comments about her supposed phoniness: from her pre-fab music and foul mouth, to her blonde hair and enhanced bosom. However, ex-beau Justin Timberlake revealed in a Spin interview that there is something natural about the former Mousketeer: her ability to fuck. "I thought since it was her first time it might be awkward," said the most famous 20% of the band NSync. "But she knew what to do from the get-go. It was uncanny how skilled she could move her body and control her muscles, you know, down there."
  
  
• Kobe Bryant: Marital Free Agent: Los Angeles Lakers guard Kobe Bryant surprised many, including his wife, with his intention to become a free agent. The announcement came shortly before spending the weekend in Vail, Col., where he explored alternative outlets for his services. Bryant's wife insists she wants him to remain part of her team, but will seek compensation if he departs via free agency.

posted by RSaunders at 7:39 AM ⇒ (0) comments

 
I'm Officially an Old Loser
Last week I was reminded how old I've become while visiting a local (Maryland) pizza chain. After a hard day of cleaning my mother's kitchen--a story for later when I have more time--we decided ordering pizza would be better than cooking. Of course, I wasn't so exhausted that I wanted to pay delivery price plus tip, so I drove to pick up the pizza. I look like hell with my t-shirt and shorts covered in years worth of dust and dog hair, a sweat-soaked baseball cap, and what I thought of as hip glasses, but which, when I'm capless, elicit comments like, "You look just like Drew Carey!"

Next door to the pizza place, located in one of the earliest of the small strip malls of my hometown, is the Mystical Piercings and Tatoos place (or some such name). As I'm walking out of the pizza place I notice an Eagle Talon parked next to my car and then a guy in his late teens and two girls, one about 15 who looks sort of plain and the other who's probably 15 but dresses like a member of the Britney Spears Fan Club.

I slowed down to let them get to their car first and I keep my head down for fear of being one of those guys who gawks at teenage girls. Of course, I'm obviously related to those guys because I had instantaneously rated how pretty they were and which girls from high school that never talked to me, except to get answers to tests, they reminded me of. Nevertheless, I didn't gawk, so that makes me a better person.

However, as they get to the car, they stop to let me get in my car first. As I'm getting in the car, the prettier of the two, as she turns to get in her car smiles and says, "Make sure you tell them to tip you well," before ducking into the car.

So now, this is how I'm seen by young pretty girls: not only am I someone who looks like he would be in his 30s delivering pizza--didn't she notice that my pizza did not have the pizza-box cozy or that my car didn't have a logo on it or that I obviously write for a very funny satire newspaper and have a following of dozens who regularly read my blog?--but I look like someone who is obviously so pitiful that I need to make more money just to keep up with the other poorly-paid pizza delivery guys. Thanks for the reality check, hon'.
posted by RSaunders at 11:04 AM ⇒ (0) comments

 
Hi! My Name Is...and I'll Be Your Historical Re-Enactor for Today
Friday my girlfriend and I went on the official walking tour of Annapolis. I have not done this tour since I was in the second or third grade. (Apparently it has been officially deemed part of the 4th grade curriculum--a sign that today's students are not as advanced as kids of my generation? I report, you decide.)

For those of you have not done such a thing, walking tours take what would be a 30 minute walk and stretch it out to over two hours by standing around looking at stuff and looking impressed by what a costumed actor says to you. Our guide, Squire Buffington, dressed the full part and regaled us with tales of colonial America. I'm not sure if the subtle Elmer Fudd accent (e.g., "Life was hawd undew the Bwitish tax stwuctuh") was part of the reenactment or not.

Squire Buffington, it turns out, is a Patriot, in both the 18th century and 21st century sense of the word: he opposes taxes and thinks of Fox News should be renamed The Learning Channel. Keeping with the role, he went out of his way to be awkwardly sexist and ageist towards the two ladies on our tour, and not in the endearing, "What a sweet old man trapped in a world that has passed him by" kind of way. However, he had some sense of decorum: he knew hazing stories for the Naval Academy but wouldn't tell them. And, he seemed genuinely conflicted to have a decent family-man Republican governor (Bob Erlich) in the state house because it ruined his gossip-rap about the former governor (Paris Glendenning).

The tour has two main stops: the general assembly, which is the oldest state legislature building still in use, and the Naval Academy chapel. The bulk of the time is spent in these two places or getting to these two places. You get some incidental peaks at St. Anne's Episcopal Church on Church Circle and a couple other buildings between State Circle and Gate 1 of the Academy. Actually, three: the Academy dorm looks like a dingy replica of a French castle: Versailles without the gardens and mirrors. The sample dorm room looks like a "This Small Space" producer's wet dream.

Sadly, there is no stop at Chick 'n' Ruth's Deli on West St. St. John's College, one of the last remaining Great Books tradition schools, is no longer on the tour because the Liberty Tree--a centuries old oak tree--was felled in a great thunderstorm. Maybe there's a Weather Channel episode on it.

Having done the tour and remembering a fair bit of Maryland history, including the fun sexual assault episodes at the Academy in the early 90s, I had a hard time not usurping Squire Buffington's role as leader. I know now that should my funding run out at VU, I'll always have a career in the salacious guided tour industry. For example, if you come to Nashville, I can point out where the 2000 election was lost in 1999 on a street corner in front of Tennessee Republican Party headquarters when Al Gore's top fund raiser was killed in a car accident. The conspiracy theorist in me could mean big bucks!

Anyhoo, I did learn some fun details about colonial life and the origins of some common expressions (e.g., to put on your dogs and my dogs are barking refers to the fact that people made shoes from their dead dogs.) Definitely worth the price ($11 per person) compared to say, Terminator 3, which wasn't nearly as terrible as I had imagined/hoped. It's sad when I can say about California's next governor, "You know, Terminator wouldn't have been so bad if they could have used somebody else to play the Terminator."

What the tour did for me was make me realize Annapolis needs an architectural walking tour. Yet another entrepenurial activity for me!
posted by RSaunders at 6:53 AM ⇒ (0) comments

 
Back among the Living
Sorry, gang! I've been (and still am) on vacation in Annapolis and without Internet access. I'm still weeding out email, but I'll be able to tell you about my walking tour of 'Naptown and the Naval Academy when I'm done.
posted by RSaunders at 8:59 AM ⇒ (0) comments

 
Falling for the Oldest Trick in the Book
Well, the Democrats appear to be taking the president's sacrificial offering. The president gave them somebody to blame, but by standing by his man, he has conned the Democrats--who must oppose that which the president supports--into removing the CIA director rather than making Bush do it himself. You wonder how the Democratic political leadership and officeholders got into their positions of power. Apparently it is based on payment, because it is sure not based on political savvy.
posted by RSaunders at 4:10 PM ⇒ (0) comments

 
Literary Heroes
I'm riding a wave of self-congratulatory zeal here. In addition to my blog growth and getting my article accepted at Psychiatric Services, in the past month I've written to and received personal replies from two of my favorite writers: Malcolm Gladwell and Neal Pollack. Please visit them and buy their stuff.

Gladwell writes for the New Yorker and the running theme of his work is debunking conventional wisdom and finding interesting explanations for complex social phenomena. Pollack is a master parody and satire writer whose "Neal Pollack Anthology of American Literature" is one of the most fun books I've ever read.

Also, expect a new Slant next week.
posted by RSaunders at 10:36 AM ⇒ (1) comments

 
Yeah Google! Yeah Yahoo!
If you type "procrastination nation" into Google or Yahoo, my blog is now at the top of the search results. Thank you, advanced search algorithm!

Which makes me think, wouldn't that be a great for a Second City show title? "Algorithm Nation" or "The Algorithm Method." The latter sounds like birth control for Catholic math geeks. Perhaps when I write Revenge of the Nerds 5 (or whatever they're up to), I'll have a use for the joke.

In fact, if you have an idea for a Second City show name or an ImprovOlympic team name, send it in. Once you start thinking them up, you can't stop.
posted by RSaunders at 9:34 AM ⇒ (0) comments

 
God Bless You, Karl Rove
It looks like the Bush administration has decided on how it will handle the inaccurate State of the Union address: hopelessly confuse America so that they get frustrated with trying to sort it out and let it slide. Here's how it works:

• Make inaccurate statement, over objections of CIA, before Congress and nation on t.v.
  
• Wait for others to prove it inaccurate
  
• Deny that the statement is inaccurate
  
• Deny that the statement is inaccurate while maintaining that you made the right decision anyway
  
• Eventually admit that it was inaccurate but that you made the right decision
  
• Blame the people who found it to be inaccurate for not pointing out the inaccuracy yet again
  
• Then, claim that the statement was accurate based on new information rather than the disputed piece of information.
  
• Repeat as necessary.

So, now the administration is trying to have it both ways: they argued that this single piece of bad evidence was just one microscopic point in a broad case against Iraq, which prompts you to ask why they would include it over the CIA's objections in the first place; yet, they feel the need to provide replacement evidence when they've just argued that this wasn't the lynchpin of their case. Could we have a better example of the end justifies the means?

Now, when it comes to political campaigning they can have it both ways: they've "come clean" on the bad piece of evidence, yet they can still be self-righteous that about having new evidence to support the action taken (even though it wasn't necessary for action).

What makes it so effective is, the more you do it and the longer it takes, the more confused people get and the harder it is to hold anyone accountable for lying. Then people can just rely on their "trust" for the administration because he's a good, honest, sexless Christian who they'd like to barbecue with. It's the same basic strategy as Whitewater-Lewinsky, but on defense rather than offense: "deny enough charges and eventually the charges will drop," compared with "make enough charges and eventually one will stick."

Update: The Washington Post has this story about the CIA's effort to keep the Niger statement out of the president's speeches, and the administration's persistence in getting it back in.
posted by RSaunders at 2:00 PM ⇒ (0) comments

 
A Weasel by Any Other Name...
Looks like the Bush administration is having trouble managing the fallout (ha-ha) of the falsified uranium intelligence he cited in this year's state of the union address. At first it was Condi passing the blame to the CIA, but now the president is saying it himself. So much for responsibility and accountability. The president's speechwriters and policy team were looking to make the most powerful case possible and called in every possible violation to tip world and American opinion in their favor. That the CIA did not strike it from the speech does not make it the CIA's fault. When the administration has a pretty clear "in" group that is allowed to contribute, it is not a stretch for those on the outside to feel like they do not have a voice. The CIA had already rated the info as suspect, but the writers ignored it. Why wouldn't a team on the outside figure the administration had made up its mind and wasn't looking for substantive changes? And what good does speaking up do? Ask the FBI field agents who spoke up about flight training programs pre-9/11 what good it did.
posted by RSaunders at 11:07 AM ⇒ (0) comments

 
Home Run Derby or War of Attrition?
With so many of the main home run hitters staying home from baseball's Home Run derby during All-Star Weekend, the contest is in danger of becoming as obsolete as the NBA's Slam Dunk competition. It's only a matter of time until we have a collection of journeymen catchers and middle infielders competing. What next, a battle between Neifi Perez and Luis Rivas for the home run championship? First player to hit the ball out of the infield wins?
posted by RSaunders at 8:07 AM ⇒ (0) comments

 
Maybe That's Why So Few Minority GMs Get Hired
I guess we can expect the Commissioner's Office for basebll to announce that it no longer needs a minority hiring programs for front office and ownership positions. Following Dusty Baker's logic--blacks and Latinos are bred to withstand the heat, which makes them better able to play baseball, which is played in the heat--I guess it only stands to reason that blacks and Latinos shouldn't be in front office positions because it's air conditioned and they would be at a disadvantage dealing with the cooler climates of offices and executive boardrooms. It's a fact, right? What a tool.
posted by RSaunders at 8:01 AM ⇒ (0) comments

 
Snail Name
My friend Jed (a.k.a. Fred) has successfully named the snail: Vroom. Apart from the obvious speed connotations, it has the additional benefit of accurately describing one of the former members of our pool who used to swim laps every night before closing. The similarity in their speed and aquatic gait is uncanny.

I have settled on a name for the crab: Cool Hand Luke. He has an intense desire to be free and devastating blue eyes, so I had no choice.

Also, we shan't be needing a name for the baby girl fish. Apparently the elder fish and crab could not wait for my return and disposed of her. I would bring suit against them, but the habeas pisces statutes make it difficult to prosecute. So, we're still looking for names for the mother fish. My leading contender is Patsy Ramsey, but I'm open to other suggestions.
posted by RSaunders at 9:13 AM ⇒ (0) comments

 
Quadruple Digits?!
I'm both amazed and pleased that the counter has ticked over the 1000 barrier. And that's without my checking every day between Wed and today. I had thought it would take at least 1000 days, but thanks to you disturbed few, we accomplished the task in only, what, 15 weeks? From 3 years to 3.5 months. That's some fine compression.

I went to Birmingham this weekend, and probably the highlight was the zoo. They have a surprisingly decent mix of creatures. I can't imagine that most of them particularly care for the near-tropical habitat forced upon them, but I'm sure the same can be said for the inhabitants of Camp X-Ray.

Today's tale though is about access for the disabled. Everyone thinks, "Well, let's install a ramp, and everything will be hunky dory." Trust me, after a few hours pushing an adult in a wheelchair on ramps with a grade approximating the White Cliffs of Dover, a ramp may make a place accessible, but it doesn't make it reasonably accommoadated.

Perhaps the typcially disabled person in Birmingham is sufficiently well-to-do to have a motorized wheelchair, making even the steepest incline passable. This was not our case this weekend. Not even Camus could have rationalized success in this Sisyphean task. It's as if there were stairs connecting sections of the park and somebody had the bright idea to fill the negative space with concrete. Problem solved!

And going uphill is the easy part. Talk about negative resistance training. I guess we should be thankful that it was only half the run of a mall escalator. Sadly, it was often about twice the rise.

I suppose parents grapple with this on a regular basis pushing strollers. However, no matter how much crap they saddle the strollers with (babies excluded from the crap factor), the mass simply can't compare and the problem is essentially self-correcting (you can always leave crap in the car). With an adult disabled person, there is nothing to leave behind. As an experiment, try pushing your spouse in a grocery cart through a skateboard park.

So, the next time someone complains about the ADA or says something about how we already have a bunch of ramps, know that there is still a ways to go to achieve reasonable accommodation for the disabled.
posted by RSaunders at 8:13 AM ⇒ (0) comments

 
Legit Pub
Less than a week after my latest Slant article, I am proud to say I finally have an accepted publication in my "real" job. I just got notice that an article I wrote will appear in a future issue of Psychiatric Services. Yippee! Not going to win article of the year, but it's a publication that counts.

Meanwhile, I realized I haven't updated you on my new fish. Some of you may recall that I got a couple of Wal-Mart goldfish, one who died in a day, the other who died eight days later. Well, a buddy of mine is a recovering-aquarium owner, and he got me a replacement guppy setup: live plants, 3 guppies, and a crab. We added a snail and an extra little plant. Probably way too crowded, but everyone's alive after a week. I have a male, a female, and a teen female. I know, my male fish has the life we aspire to. I guess he shall be named Maxim. If you have name suggestions for the crab, snail, and girl fish mail them in.
posted by RSaunders at 9:00 AM ⇒ (0) comments